Goodbye LA

Originally posted on myspace April 30, 2007


I've been told that one thing people admire about me is my courage to face life changes. People were skeptical when I chose Acting as my major. When I moved to LA. When I asked Val to marry me. When I decided with two friends to make a movie. When we announced Val was pregnant. When Val and I decided to buy a house. These are all scary events. They're scary because these are events and decisions that change your life. Moments you can't go back from. I am admired because I am perceived as taking them all in stride. Being able to gaze into the unknown. Well, not to dispel anyone's image of me, but I am extremely affected by these things. The worst is the moment I'm in right now. The moment right before the consequences hit, before the action. Where you can look at your life and see what you are giving up.

I'm leaving LA on Tuesday morning. I've had a social group that meets about once a week to play games. Mostly role-playing games but also the occasional board game. Tonight was my last one. My last game night in LA. It didn't really hit me until as I was walking out my friends Kate and Gen each gave me a big hug and told me how sad the moment was. All of a sudden it was a sad moment. Then Max shook my hand on the street afterward. My final parting with Max was a series of half-hearted reassurances that we would see each other again soon, but that final handshake was silent. No words were needed.

The drive home on the dark empty highway lit dimly by old streetlights was an emotional one. A drive of loss and sadness. Not the intense sadness you feel at the death of a loved one, but the dull regretful ache you feel when you realize your childhood is gone forever. That nostalgia is just faded memories that have lost their crispness. I've lived in my share of apartments and dorms. On that final day when I move out of each abode I look around at the empty room and the memories just come. I sit there for a moment and savor the bittersweetness of the memories I have of that home. Then I quietly walk out and shut the door behind me- and on that chapter of my life. Now I'm sitting next to the window looking out on Los Angeles at night with Elton John quietly playing in the background (Rocket Man), and right on cue the memories come.

I remember my apartment with Max. Sitting on the couch taking turns playing Final Fantasy X. Max and I sitting on the porch in wifebeaters drinking 40s on a Sunday morning. I remember playing cards at Chuck and Iris's with Sarah P (Sarah always won because she had Jesus on her side). I can remember standing ontop of the hill in Universal Studios at 2 in the morning with the wind whipping past my Securitas bomber jacket, looking out over the city. I remember Valerie coming to visit for the first time. Laughing at crude jokes from Brian and Jason on D&D night. Carving the wooden ring I proposed with. That first Christmas with Chris and Ben. Rehearsing the first (and only) Third Coast Theatre production at Kaiser Permanente. Endless hours pouring over script and footage with Ryan. Hurrying home from work to watch Alias and Scrubbs with Val. Crossing the border with Ryan, Sarah, and Val, almost passing out at the wheel from the horrible sunburn I picked up in Baja. Telling jokes to Lee while we built furniture for Bombay. Dancing with Jen, Jessie, and Linda Kuhlman at a country dance bar. Driving out into the mountains and lying in my truck bed with Deb and Sarah P, looking at the stars and talking about life. I've been here almost 4 years and I have so many memories. But my life here is over now. I have a new life waiting for me somewhere else. I won't look back, but I'll take a little piece of LA with me where ever I go.

I can't say I left my mark on this town but I hope I left my mark on some of its people. They left their mark on me.