On Love

Originally posted on myspace January 18, 2006


With some urging from a co-worker, I decided to put down some of my thoughts on love in general and relationships in particular. While I had a decent dating career, and am now happily married, I cannot claim to be an expert nor am I offering my opinions as truth. My perspective is simply that: a perspective which is drawn solely from my personal experiences and from observing the experiences of those around me. So I leave it to the reader to decide what is wisdom and what is bullshit.


At the beginning of every relationship I look in the mirror, catch my eye, and say the following, “This is going to end. And it’s going to end badly.”

Women seem to think this is a horrible practice. I have yet to meet a girl who thought this was wise. For those of you who are curious, however, here is my reasoning. To begin: it’s true. Even if you fall madly in love get married and have a storybook life, someone has to die first. All things end, and the end of every relationship is a tragedy. In the above positive hypothetical a minor one, with triumph intermixed, but a tragedy none the less. Acknowledging this before the relationship begins is an enlightening and emancipating moment. Have you ever read the last chapter of a book first? And then read the book from start to finish? Or caught the end of a movie you have never seen before and later watched it in it’s entirety? Your focus changes. The destination is no longer important; it’s the journey that matters. I don’t wonder how the movie ends, I know how the movie ends, I’m much more interested in what happens along the way. So by understanding that my relationship with whoever is going to end at some point, I can take far more joy on a day to day basis. How many people do you know ruined their relationship because the question “Where is this going?” wandered through their brain? The question itself is natural and unavoidable. It poisons a relationship when the relationship becomes about the destination. And what the hell are you going to do when you get there? What the hell are you going to do? If the whole point of the relationship was to get to that one spot, when you get there you don’t have a relationship. And you have to start over with a new relationship, with the same person. And that just doesn’t work. The solution? “This is going to end. And it’s going to end badly.” Make the destination the end of the relationship, and try never to get there. So, one might ask, how does this play into my marriage? Directly. I’m going to lose my wife. She’ll die, or I’ll die, either way I’ve lost her. Everyday I look at her and know that I’m going to lose her. But I’ve got her now, and I’m damn well sure to make the most of it. And all of a sudden, some things aren’t important anymore. The petty fighting melts away. That is not to say that you shouldn’t prepare for the future. Val’s birthday is the seventh. If I don’t plan for it because I’m scared she’ll die tomorrow, and she dies on the eighth after the shittiest birthday she ever had well fuck me. And that’s why I think it’s a positive thing. Because I can make the most out of everyday with her.


Why do people date?

People date for two reasons. The first reason people date is to find out what they want. Because you don’t know. I didn’t know what I wanted in a girl in high school, or in college. I thought I did. I even got to date everything I thought I wanted a couple of times. And I didn’t want it. Oh it was great at the beginning, but it never lasted, sometimes not even past the first date. And if someone had told me at 16 what my ideal woman at 26 would be I would have laughed in derision. Because I didn’t know. Nobody knows. The only way to learn is to experience. Trial and error. Sometimes you realize what you’re doing (no more one legged strippers, and this time I mean it), some times you don’t. But ultimately with every relationship no matter how long or how short, you file away likes and dislikes. I don’t like a girl who snorts when she laughs, but I can bear it if it’s worth it. I can’t date a woman with a drinking problem. I just can’t. And so on and so forth.

The second reason people date is: Nobody’s Casanova the first time in the sack. Now it’s not really about sex, I just chose the most explicit example to illustrate my point. Like the first it’s about learning, but the subject manner is different. You have a huge fight with your girlfriend/boyfriend. You feel bad about the way you handled it. Three years and five girls/boys later you have a similar fight, but remembering the original, you react different. You want to date because when you wind up with the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want to be able to handle as many things as possible in what you feel is the correct manner. Moving into uncharted territory is unavoidable, but you can cut down on the frequency.


Anyone who throws a casual glance at my dating history will notice that I never stayed with one girl for very long (with two notable exceptions). This is because I’m a firm advocate of marriage. Some people don’t believe in marriage, and some do. Now I generally try to be fairly considerate of other’s opinions, and if the following statement offends you try to remember that I don’t often judge people in a public forum and the statement is not directed specifically to any individual(s) that I know.

People who don’t get married based on principle are cowards.

If you have said and believe any variation of “I don’t believe in marriage” or “I just don’t see the point of being married” then you’re a coward. You’re a coward because marriage is a finalization of a commitment; a commitment that’s meant to be permanent. And no matter what is said, or what rationalization and justification that is presented, the truth of it is that there is always a back door in a relationship that doesn’t involve marriage. That door is still there when you’re married, but it’s a hell of a lot easier to use when you’re not. Now, I’m not advocating hasty marriage by any means, but if you’re going to date a person for a length of time you should at least be open to the possibility. If you haven’t gotten married because you don’t know if so-and-so is the right person for God’s sake don’t get married.

So when should you start thinking about marriage?

If you’ve been dating the girl/guy for two years or more, marry her/him or leave her/him. Otherwise you’re just wasting your time. A friend of mine was in a relationship that lasted about 12 years. It ended badly, but she doesn’t regret dating him. She’s glad she dated him. But she wishes she could have 8 years of her life back and I bet he wants the same.

Where most people screw up love is by thinking about it. Love is a feeling, a state of being… it is not a thought. Don’t over analyze it.

Who should you marry?

Never marry for love. I would hope you are in love with the person you marry; love certainly is needed but love alone can not sustain a marriage. Marry someone you can spend the rest of your life with. Look at that person and say "ten years from now, if I don’t love you, can I live in the same room and be happy?" That’s what marriage is about. Love is only part of it. Yeah you need to love them, but you also need to be friends. If you can remove love and physical attraction and still want to spend the rest of your life with that person then you can and should marry that person.

And now, some of the questions I hear over and over again. Guess what? The answers don’t change.

“Is it supposed to be like this?”
It is like this. There’s no supposed to.

“What do you think I should do?”
You know what you should do. (and you do, everytime.)

“Why doesn’t he/she love me?”
Does it really matter why? It’s not going to change anything.

“Does he/she like me?”
Just ask them yourself. No matter what the answer you feel better and you know for sure.

“Do you think I’ve got a chance?”
Won’t know until you try. Go get ‘em tiger.

“I think we should talk.”
Wrong. Just act. Avoid talking whenever possible. Don’t tell ‘em you like ‘em, just kiss ‘em. Don’t ask ‘em if they’re free, ask them out. Don’t ask them to dance, grab that hand and drag towards the dance floor. Act act act. No talkie.

“Do you think it’s the right time?”
Are you asking out of consideration of them, or because you’re scared? The former: no. The latter: yes.

“Do you think I’ll find love?”
No. It’ll find you.

“Where do you think this relationships going?”
That’s never a real question. Just say what you want for God’s sake.

My final word: Love is like a house. The initial attraction, the “love at first sight”, the four years of friendship before you got drunk and woke up nude in the geraniums, it’s all just a foundation. It’s not really love, it’s just the beginning. Real love you build a brick at a time slowly over the years. And when you find it, there are no questions.